I’m famous for ‘what ifs’.
It’s a favorite pastime of mine to sit and wonder, debate conversations I’m going to have or things that may never come to be. My wife likes to joke that I worry too much, about things that might never happen. And despite my best efforts of denying such a claim, I have to say now that she might be right. I’ll never live that down.
Something I mentioned in my return post was about my health. It’s something I’ve been struggling with roughly for two years. Going to doctor after doctor because of a phantom pain on my right side, I’ve been poked, prodded, and cat scanned for what many of the doctors assumed was my appendix, however it always came back fine. Which was both good news and at the same time a real struggle, feeling like it was just my body deciding to play tricks on me.
About four months ago, I changed doctors and she has been a great help. In the first visit, saying that she thought it could be a stomach ulcer. And after a visit to another doctor and having the wonderful experience of being scoped, BOOM, that’s the problem.
Now that would’ve been great news, but with that news came the wonderful news that they wanted to test for throat cancer.
Now we are back at the start, the ‘what if’. It came swirling back around, and even on good days it was always there. I didn’t mention it to many people and I just kept it to myself in order to avoid questions I knew I didn’t have the answer for.
I’m not a stranger to cancer, some family members have passed from it and I’ve seen what it does to families and that scared me. Scared me to worry that my daughter would not remember me if it turned bad, that I would be just some picture she’d look at, wondering what I was like. I’m sure if anyone has gone through this, they know that feeling or at least have the idea of what that would feel like. The idea that I would be leaving behind my friends and family. It was a real moment and one I wish I could say that my mind didn’t bring those thought very often, but that would be a lie.
Yesterday I had my follow up, and it was good. No cancer, just the stomach ulcers that I would need to keep taking medication for until they were healed.
It was a relief and despite my stomach looking like Swiss cheese, it was manageable.
I debated with myself in sharing this. I thought it was best to keep to myself, but the more I thought about it. The more I thought that this was a moment that was just like this blog is named after, the moments in life that surprise you, that make you laugh, that make you cry, and most of all remember that life can be both beautiful and ugly.
Thanks everyone for reading and I promise my next post will be positive, because I’m going to be a gushy happy father and talk about my wonderful daughter turning two.
Life Incoming 